Aries: The stars have decided that YOU are in retrograde now. “Lets see how you like it ass hole.” That’s what they told me.
Taurus: Please do not start a land war in Russia, you are not “built different.”
Gemini: Overcome with ambition, you will finally be able to defeat the vile Riddle Master and seduce his wife.
Cancer: You have a tendency to miss the small things. Give your work a second pass and remember, your inventions should not bleed or be covered in blood.
Leo: A temporary astral misalignment will cause you to unirnate in reverse with bone-crushing force for several hours. Avoid loved ones at all costs.
Virgo: Express a new side to your relationships by telling everyone about the evil clones of your son you’ve been releasing upon the city.
Libra: You have been summoned to the Sewer Palace. Don your worst most dogshit outfit and take audience with the Sewer King.
Scorpio: Allow your anxious and self-deprecating nature to set expectations so low you end up building confidence when you exceed them. This is known as “emotional turbo drifting.“
Ophiuchus: The universe has finally chosen you as its true center. Tell your boss you’ve been chosen by the astral clock and he will probably give you the day off.
Sagittarius: Your systems of belief could use some oiling. You’re not allowed to bathe at the gas station but you’re not not allowed to either.
Capricorn: The goblin deals 2 damage to your cock. (Go to page 87.)
Aquarius: You’ve spent so much time cultivating identity and culture that you trigger a social immune response in other people. That’s why that dude ate your thumb.
Pisces: You are working harder than ever at pretending your own patterns of self-sabotage don’t exist. Gosh the the stars wonder why you keep stepping on land mines.
